yes :)

malapit na..
malapit na :)

no to softdrinks!
no to more than a cup of rice a day!
no to alcoholic beverages!
yes to exercise!
yes to non-fatty foods!
yes to fruits!
yes to lots of water!
yes to oatmeal!

i'm on my way.. ^_^
august grad pic shoot, malapit na \O/

welcome march! :)

hahaha, welcomed march with a big bang!
two exams in one day.
kmusta naman un di ba?

had a great time answering my exam in food science and nutrition class, kaso, nabobo naman ako sa pagsasagot sa biology exam ko.
damn it, super duper nosebleed ung mga terms na ginamit ng prof, paano ko naman masasagutan un??
hindi pa ako nakapag aral nang mabuti dahil nag-tulog ako sa CAL lib, 3am na kasi ako nakatulog kaka-aral para sa FN exam.

3 lang subject ko ngayong sem..
bonggang bongga..
napakasipag ko talaga, lulubusin ko pa ang ieextend kong isang taon sa UP.
oh well, at least may nagawa akong productive sa pagstay ko sa UP.
contributions sa org.
sa college student council.
sa tatsulok (inter-university alliance of filipino psychology students).
nakapag-present pa ako ng research paper sa psychology students conference.
at least may nagawa akong kapaki-pakinabang. :)

kaso, marso na.
karamihan sa batchmates ko, graduating na.
ako, eto, may isang taon pa.
nagsisisi nga ba ako?
o matutuwa na maski nag-extend ako ay may panahon pa ako para pagisipan ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin?
hmmmm. think positive na lang.
for the good naman kung bakit eh.
hindi dahil bagsak bagsak na ako.
kundi dahil may mas gusto lang talaga akong gawin.
at un ay ang pagtuunan ng pansin ang orgs ko. :)

anyway, i do hope march is a better month for me.
sana wala nang masyadong maging aberya since patapos na ang sem.
basta, think ahead and focus na lang ako..
UP LAW, dadating din ako diyan :)

a lot of things left unsaid

lots and lots and lots of things..

i don't know if my current beau would allow this, but then again, i guess this is a lot better than keeping a grudge because of what he did..

simulan na natin.
by saying simulan, i'm not stating na start all over again, or whatever.
i really don't intend to go back to that kind of relationship that we once had, yes, i do have a lot of regrets.
regrets na forever na lang magiging regrets.

bakit nga ba tayo naghiwalay?
siguro, kasi gago ka.
siguro kasi hindi mo ako inalagaan.
siguro kasi pinairal mo ang pagkamaere mo.
siguro kasi nagsawa na ako sa pang-gagago mo sa akin.
siguro kasi napagod na ako sa lahat ng panglalait na ginawa mo sa pagkatao ko.
pero hindi kasama sa mga siguro na yun ung, siguro hindi na kita mahal, kasi nung panahon na iyon, wala nang mas sasakit pa sa pagsalitaan ka ng masama ng taong minahal mo ng buong buo, ng taong inalayan mo ng lahat lahat sa iyo.

oo, aminado ako, ayaw kitang makita.
takot ako sa mararamdaman ko, hindi takot dahil mahal pa kita.
kungdi takot dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang magagawa ko sa oras na magkita tayo.

sasabihin mo na namang bitter ako.
maaaring oo, maaaring hindi.
oo, bitter ako, dahil sa dami ng pinagsamahan natin, sa tagal ng ipinagtiis ko sau, sa dami ng nasaktan ko, sa dami ng pinagpalit ko, sa wala din napunta ang relasyon.
hindi, hindi ako bitter, dahil hindi ko na panghihinayangan ang pinagsamahan natin sa sakit ng mga salitang binitiwan mo.

mahal kita noon, minahal nang buong buo, nang walang pagaalinlangan.
maski magulang ko na ang pumipigil.
maski pamilya ko na ang umaayaw, sumige pa rin ako.
maski sa dami ng hadlang, sige pa rin ako.
maski sa dami ng taong nasasaktan ko as the relationship grows old, i still chose to be with you.
pero anong nakuha ko?
haliparot ako?
masamang babae?
walang kwentang girlfriend?
nonsense kausap?
bobo?
tanga?
good for nothing?
walang binatbat?

yeah right.
and for once, DAMN YOU.

sa lahat ng masasakit na salita, hindi sapat ang sorry mo.
sa lahat ng pananakit mo sa akin, hindi sapat ang sorry mo.
at kahit na kailan, hindi magiging sapat ang sorry mo.

pero bakit ko nga ba aalagaan ang galit ko sau?
ano nga bang mapapala ko?
WALA. hindi ba?

as others might say, forgive and let go.
it has been almost a year.
february 14, 2009 to be exact.
kaso, hindi pa ako handang magpatawad.
nagawa ko na matagal na ang paglelet go.

PAANO MO NGA BA PATATAWARIN ANG TAONG NI HINDI HUMINGI NG TAWAD SA LAHAT NG KASALANANG NAGAWA NIYA?
paano?

let time heal all wounds, but then, time alone is not enough.

you went ahead with your life, and i assume, you are happy now.
i am happy too, as people around have seen.
i am now complete.
i've already regained the self-respect na nawala sa akin sa 14 months ng relasyon natin.
i'm tougher now. stronger. better.

and with all these, i thank you, for a being a part of my life.
maski gusto ko nang burahin ang oras at panahon na kasama kita.
yes, i am thankful. but no, i am still not ready to forgive you.

let time speak for itself.
i've moved on.
i'm now okay.
i do hope you would be too, if not now, soon.

forgiveness would follow, i hope this is the beginning.

pinapaubaya ko na ang lahat ng sama ng loob ko kay God.
at sana, in time, maturuan muli ang puso ko na magpatawad.
gaya ng muling pagkatuto ng puso ko na magmahal :)

changes

change in life is inevitable, as others may say it.
for me? i wish i'll just stay at where i was a month ago.

these past few weeks was not that great, but well, it was, but not really.
haha, weird noh?
hindi ko kasi talaga alam kung ano ang dapat na maramdaman..

about two weeks ago, i was inducted as a college councilor, i had to assume the vacant position, posisyon na iniwan ng isang slatemate ko dahil sa personal problems niya.
masaya, oo, kasi makakasama ko na ang slatemates ko, after ilang months na masabik na makasama muli sila..
kaso, mas malaki ung feeling ng lungkot at panghihinayang..
i have to resign sa dalawang positions sa orgs na hinahawakan ko..
kailangan kong iwanan ang trabahong minahal ko ng sobra..
at, iiwanan ko iyon kung kailan gamay ko na ang trabaho, kung kailan matino na ako at handa ko nang ayusin ang pamamahala doon..
hai, ang hirap ng buhay..

isa pang malaking pagbabago ay ang pagtanggap na, "dude, pare, tsong.. shet.. hindi ako gagraduate on time"..
oo, tanggap ko na naman un noon pa, masakit nga lang ngayon dahil lahat sila ay grad pic na ang primary pictures sa fs, fb at multip.. samantalang ako, next year pa..
nakakaputang ina,, bakit nga ba hindi ko inayos ang pag aaral ko para kasabay ko sila?? :(

hai. hindi ko talaga malubos maisip kung bakit ngayon ko lahat nararanasan ito..
kung kailan kelangan kong magtino, saka ako napadpad sa council..
kung kelan kailangan kong bumawi sa org, saka naman parang sapilitan akong pinagbibitiw..

sana hindi ako mapagod, baka bigla ko na namang ilaglag ang lahat..
sana kayanin ko ang work load ko..
sana magawa ko pang makapag aral nang matino..
at sana, sana, sana hindi ako mawalan ng oras para kay airen ko..
alam kong magtatampo siya pag nangyari un..

**out

it's been quite a while

one hell of a summer.

haha.

dami nangyari.

dami nagdaan.

mga kulitan.

lokohan.

gaguhan.

bahala na si batman.

hoho.

nagpopost lang! :)

maligayang pagbabalik!

haha..
after million years ng pananahimik..
isang maligayang pagbabalik sa blogging world sa akin!
:)

rundown lang ng mga chever :D


---- proclamation rally feb20,2009 ----


---- meeting de avance feb24,2009 ----


---- faultline experience feb27,09 ----


---- runaway cupid 2 feb28,09----

31 comments. written by a girl. after years of experience :)

Written by a guy. After years of experience.

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
----- ai hindi din, haha. mas sweet ang surprise visit eh :D


2. Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
----- tama, tama. kaya mag-ingat sa pangloloko, we can love you this one moment and ruin your lives at the other :D

3. Beware of every single male relatives and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
----- hahaha. tawa na lang ako. nasa babae na un kung magpapasulot sila.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
----- ai, haha. wala pang gumawa nian, infairness naman! :D


5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
----- tama, tama. pero hindi din dapat gaun na tipong show-off lang. kung paano ka pag kayo lang, ganun din pag may friends na kasama, sweetness ung tinutukoy ko ah :D

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
----- AGREE!

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
----- nyeh nyeh, hahaha. if they go out with you, they want to be with you.

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
----- tama, tama.

--8.5. If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.
----- anu un kiss and tell?? haha. wag nang madaldal na lang.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
----- kung in private, cge go lang. haha. exciting din minsan malaman kung hanggang saan umaabot ang pagiging dirty minded ninyo :D

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
----- a lot ka jan. haha. ewan. pero lahat kayo, trabahador-mode pag kumakain. :D

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a *****.
----- hahaha. keri lang KKB, pero please naman, wag all the time! :D

--11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
----- keri lang naman kahit minsan lang. hindi ung mas gagastusan niyo ang dota at pc games at kung ano2 pa kesa sa GF niu. hahaha! :))

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
----- ay, hahaha. hindi ako nakakuha ng sweatshirt sa first rel ko.. hmmm.. at wala kahit ano sa pinaka-latest. ay meron pala, stuffed toy na galing sa yellow cab :D

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
----- mas prefer ko ata ung ihatid hanggang sa bahay, para malaman ng parents ko na iuuwi ako safely ng kasama ko. :D

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.
----- kung sinabi niya. pero pag hindi, wag ka mauna. haha! pag napahamak ka, mas sermon ka pa. :D

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
----- ok lang kahit hawak ng kamay. at please, iwasan ang magpacute. haha!

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
----- wala naman problema sa akin yan, basta playfully at HINDI AKO MASASAKTAN.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
----- totoo un. :D sweet.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
----- ai, GIVEN na po iyan.

19. Don't flirt with their moms or friends...that's just freaky.
-----nyak. hahaha. and don't flirt with strangers and your friends din pag kasama mo siya. hahaha!

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be understanding.
-----Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, haha. dapat super super pcenxa. hahaha. kasi naman, hindi niyo nararanasan un kaya wag niyo kaming sabihan na inarte lang un. hmp.


21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
----- at sasakyan mo ang gamitin mo :D

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
----- tama! INTRODUCE HER AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND! hindi ung hahayaan mo lang siyang nakatayo o nakaupo sa tabi mo without acknowledging na kasama mo xa. hmmmpp.

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
----- kapag kasi sinabing ikaw na bahala, ikaw na talaga. wala naman kaming pakialam kung saan, mahalaga kasama namin kayo. un na yun.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
-----Hmmm... hahaha.. oo, hindi na kailangan na maglambing pa para i-kiss o i-rub pa..

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
----- hahaha. tama, keri lang basta wag akong magkakapasa.

26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
-----TAMA!

27. Don't marinade the cologne.
----- hahaha.. uo, ayaw niyo naman na nakatakip kami ng ilong all the time :D

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
----- any SURPRISE would do. meaningful at may effort, ok na ok ako dun :D

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
----- tama, tama! :D

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
----- tama tama, kaya dapat pahalagahan niyo ung tiwala na binibigay sa inyo. at pag nawala iyon, goodluck na lang sa iyo.

31.Don't ever do anything wrong (well not anything). girls remember things for life and anything you did wrong will be used against you in the future.
----- totoo. lalo pa ako na naka-save ang lahat lahat sa utak. hahaha. matalas memorya ng mga babae, kaya ingat ingat. dahil naaalala nila ang lahat ng mabuti at magandang nagawa, pero mas natatandaan nila ang lahat ng masama :D

sometimes, love ain't enough..

well, after everything that happened, it's over.

it was not that easy to accept it, but then, i'm already prepared for this due to certain actions, him "neglecting" me and the relationship.

i guess, love is not enough to keep a relationship going..

sometimes, trust and respect matters more..

if people can't accept me for who and what i am, maybe, just maybe, they don't deserve me.

*trying, i'm really trying.

birthday blast

well, it wasn't actually a blast..
it was just a happy day, because i get to see people i rarely see..

started the day waking up with a few text greetings from friends.
waiting for a "special" greeting from my boyfriend, but then, it seemed like my birthday was just another common, plain day for him.
oh well. :(

ate lunch with my brothers and sisters, and then started cooking carbonara for my handa!
yey! i plan to bring to some of it when i come to my bestfriend's place later in the evening.

my bheztie jullan came by at 3pm, and watched me as i sliced and diced the ham.
whatever, haha, as if i cook good anyway.

come 5pm, naghanda na ako para magsimba.
nagpasama ako kay Apok, one of my bestfriends.
wala na palang mass sa Sta. Rosa ng 6pm?
so sumugod pa kami sa Cathedral para makapagsimba.
ni hindi man lang ako tinetext ng magaling na Joshua na un.
well, birthday ko at hindi ako pwede mabadtrip.

after the mass, pumunta kami ni Apok kina Julie.
na-meet na rin sa wakas ni Apok si Justin, at kyut na kyut siya sa bata.
pinagsaluhan namin ung dala kong carbonara, masarap naman daw at pwede na akong mag-asawa.
kung matitikman kaya ni Josh ito, un din ang sasabihin niya?
i doubt it.

pagkatapos namin kumain, iniwan ko muna sina Julie at dumaan ako kina Benjo.
may dala din akong carbonara para sa kanila.
kaso, wala si Benj sa tindahan, si Patrick lang at si Sai na girlfriend niya.
iniwan ko ang pagkain at sinabi kong babalik na lang ako.
siguro, ganito talaga kada taon na magbibirthday ako.
hindi ko maiiwasan na gustuhing dumaan kina Benjo, bilang napakalaking parte siya ng buhay ko.
hindi ba nga, minsan ko na siyang tinuring "God's birthday gift to me?"
and i guess, he will always be.
he'll always stay as my birthday gift.

hinintay ko lang na matapos sin Apok sa pakikipagkwentuhan kina Julie, tapos, umuwi na siya.
as for me, bumalik ako sa tindahan nina Benjo.
only to find out na ubos na ang carbonara, inubos nina Patrick.
masarap daw kasi.
biniro pa ako ni Benjo, na ihahatid daw niya ako at baka pwedeng humingi pa ulit.
sinakyan ko naman ang biro niya.
at oo, hinatid nga niya ako.

ilang beses na din akong sumasakay sa motor niya.
at ang sarap lang ng pakiramdam.
hinatid niya ako, at nag-refill ng carbonara.
pagkatapos ay muli akong hinatid sa opisina ni mama.
hindi na siya umakyat pa dahil baka galit pa daw sa kanya si mama.
malaki ang respeto niya sa parents ko.
at nakakatuwa na hindi un nagbago maski matagal na kaming wala.

to sum it all up, masaya ang 19th birthday ko.
nakita ko ang lahat ng gusto kong makita.
maski pa ni hindi ako pinuntahan ni Joshua para personal na batiin.
maski pa hindi ko siya naramdaman ngayong araw na ito.
maski pa hindi niya napantayan ang ginawa ko para sa kaarawan niya.
okay lang, masaya at kuntento ako.
siguro, ang mga taong nakita ko ngayon, sila lamang ang mga taong tatagal pa ng 19 more years sa buhay ko.

happy birthday elliz! :)

jealous much?

Result: Realistic and Rational

You're a good person, but you know that not everyone else is so good all the time. Little things can make you jealous - like if someone gets too flirty with your honey - but you also know how to shrug off the small stuff.

Be careful, though! If you spend too much time being jealous and not enough time just kicking back and having fun, then what's the point of living? Right?

STATS:

* 39% (2,941) other adults are also Realistic and Rational
* 30,904 people have taken this quiz.
* Most people who take this quiz get this result: The Opposite of Jealous

when will i get married?

Result: In 7 Years

Nice timing! That'll give you plenty of time to find your soulmate (if you're still looking), fall in love and pick out your catering menu.

We recommend the salmon - it's a total crowd-pleaser.

STATS:

* 31% (1,540) other adults are also In 7 Years
* 17,130 people have taken this quiz.
* Most people who take this quiz get this result: In 14 Years

what should be my name? :)

Result: Phoebe

Phoebe means "bright" and "pure" in Greek, which fits you perfectly. You're a great thinker and decision-maker, and at the same time you're an optimist - you believe that deep down, everyone's a good person.

Despite all the brains, you've also got a totally ditzy side that comes out every once in a while. Which would make you a great pal for Phoebe on "Friends."

STATS:

* 31% (5,162) other adults are also Phoebe
* 69,818 people have taken this quiz.
* Most people who take this quiz get this result: Jolie


this thing right here suits me, i'm really an optimist. :)

what kind of kisser are you?

Result: Tender Kisser

As soft and sweet as the kiss of a gummi bear.

You generally reserve your kisses for people you really, truly care about. And when the two of you finally lock lips, it's tender, sweet and fit for a greeting card. If your kiss was a photograph, it would be in soft focus. If your kiss was a hot dog, it would be a vegetarian hot dog. Everyone you kiss loves your kisses, because they're better than sweet iced tea on an August afternoon.

STATS:

* 25% (57,848) other adults are also Tender Kisser
* 821,481 people have taken this quiz.
* Most people who take this quiz get this result: Romantic Kisser

love or lust? :)

Result: Love

Hearts and rainbows all the way -- you're a total romantic.

Animal lust is nice, but you'd rather be in love with someone before you start tearing them apart. When you're in a relationship, you generally treat the other person really well. You don't cheat, and you're respectful of their differences. And when you're not in a relationship, you're selective about the people you choose to kiss or even get crushes on.

You've got a great thing going on, but don't be afraid of letting that animal side come out every now and then. A couple bite marks never hurt anyone (much).

STATS:

* 63% (98,143) other adults are also Love
* 480,926 people have taken this quiz.
* Most people who take this quiz get this result: Love, just like you.

what kind of girlfriend are you?

Result: Boss Lady

You like your relationships on your terms, at your pace. Who could blame you?

You love romance, and you love having a boyfriend. Still, relationships can be pretty unpredictable and scary. That's why you like to be in charge -- that way, you can keep all the bad surprises to a minimum. The problem, of course, is that you'll never be able to control everything. So try to relax a little and have some fun. The more vulnerable you are, the more you'll be leaving yourself open to experience real love.

STATS:

* 10% (17,273) other adults are also Boss Lady
* 633,138 people have taken this quiz.
* Most people who take this quiz get this result: Dream Girl

What's Your Perfect Relationship?

Result: Major Drama

Being in love isn't enough for you. You crave the highs and lows of a rocky relationship. You love testing your partner and making up after a fight, and you're willing to risk things getting ugly for it.

Look for someone strong and steady who can handle your emotional side. If you date a drama queen like yourself, it might be too much for your relationship to handle.

STATS:

* 20% (1,823) other adults are also Major Drama
* 43,701 people have taken this quiz.
* Most people who take this quiz get this result: Attached at the Hip

answering personality and psychological exams and surveys

obvious naman di ba?

nag eenjoy lang talaga akong magsagot ng mga ganyan nowadays..

pang-unwind din kasi eh. :)

bumababaw na ang blog posts ko.

hahaha!

wala kasing time na gumawa ng mga mahahaba at informative sa ngayon.

mejo ngarag na ngarag kasi sa acads eh..

kea nag eenjoy muna ako :)


ps. paturo naman kung paano ung exchange links na iyon.

CONFESSION: I’m still in love with Barney.

I was really delighted when one of my closest friends gave me a Barney stuffed toy on my 18th birthday. That was my favorite, among all the jewelries, the bags, the shirts and everything; among all the gifts, it was just that Barney is a really big part of me. When I turned 7, an unknown visitor also gave me a Barney story book, and I fell in love with Barney ever since. Well, that was one thing in common with the two most beautiful days in my life: Barney.

The story was about Lotty, who was so afraid of moving in to another town, of going into a new school, of moving out, period. She was afraid of leaving the life that she’s been used to, of leaving the people she grew up with, of leaving behind the life she loved. And then one night, when Lotty cried herself to sleep, Barney came to life. He showed Lotty the new place that she’ll be living in, the new school, the new people she’ll meet, the new life she’ll live. He showed her the rainbow, and how happy life can be if she’ll just learn to accept the changes and just be contented with it. He showed her that you really don’t have to be afraid about life and the changes that come with it, because it’s quite normal, and change is the only constant thing in this world. And then when everything else fails, she still has Barney with her, Barney as her best friend. Just as she was about to hug him, her mother woke her up, and told her to go to her room and sleep because the next day would be a great day.

What’s so important with this story? CHANGES. I learned to be a bit stronger, and to hold on to life. Changes are constant; I just have to deal with it. And with whatever change that I have to deal with, I just remember I still have Barney, and he’ll never change, he’ll never leave. I want to be like Lotty at one point in time. Well at least at that certain point where, she got to experience how it is being a child.

Well, why do I hold on to childhood so much? Maybe because I never really experienced it, maybe because I never really felt it. I grew up living to the expectations of the people around me, living to prove to them how good I am, living to be the best that I can be so that I’ll never an option anymore. I was never really seen as the good child, I was the rebellious one, I’ll answer back if I need to, and I’ll disagree if I have to. I’m not that someone who’ll just accept everything, I always ask why or how come, and they hated me for it. I can never be as good as my younger sister, who’s everything that’s not me. This bitterness that I’m feeling inside was out of the bad memories that I had with my own extended family. During Christmas time, there was never an instance where I had more gifts than her. There was this one time where I only got one gift, she has five. My parents explained to me that it was just because I’m older, and I’m growing up, so I don’t need additional toys or dresses or bags. Later on, I realized that it was not really that way; I was just not the favorite one, I was just not the favorite niece. Then everything just came back to me, reminisced the memories, revisiting my past. And then there I was, crying myself to sleep because my aunt favored my younger sister over me. There I was, just staring at them when they were laughing and playing and telling stories. There I was, just looking at all the gifts that she got when I only have one. There I was, consoling myself when my auntie brought her to the school she graduated from and I was left alone with the yaya. Well, there was a never a time they were proud of me. I come home from school, bringing with me a white merit card, with a smile on my face, but for them it was just nothing. They never really appreciated it, they were never really proud of me. And what the hell are my parents doing when I was feeling down? Nothing, they never knew, because they would never understand. They’d just think na I’m just being inggit with whatever my sister has. So I strived harder to get everybody’s attention, at least to get my parents’ attention. I was never out of the honor list; it was consistent since kinder two up to high school. I was a Manila Science High School passer, and I even passed UPD out of luck. I knew my parents were proud of me, they even boasted it around with their high school and college friends. And as for some of my uncles and aunties? They will never be proud of me, I guess. After seeing me as a nobody, they now look at me as if I’m somebody who’s way too high for them to even talk to. It was hard, trying to get people from your family to like you, trying to get them to understand you. Fucking hard, I finally gave up.
I’m all grown-up now, and I have to deal with a lot of problems that would come my way in a year or two. I’ve stopped trying to get everybody’s attention, and just strived to make myself proud of me. That was a big change, a big leap of change. It was like moving out, moving away from the life that you are used to live, moving away from people that you’ve grown up with. And it was not difficult for me, because I needed and I wanted to see myself in a different light. I wanted to be seen as me, the imperfect me and not as somebody who’s just living up to their expectations, somebody who’s trying to be perfect for them. I don’t want to remain as an option; I want to be the choice. I need to get going and leave the bitterness behind.

And as for Barney? He will always be my stuffed toy to cry on, and I’ll always love him. I'll just wait for the day when he comes to life to give me my much needed hug.

updates updates coming soon!

WOW, atleast i got some more free time to squeeze in this short post.

for those who've been visiting my blog religiously (as if there were any), i'm sorry i still haven't posted anything new yet.

got lots of blog entries waiting to be edited and posted.

still effin busy with fucking school stuffs and practicum thingies.

i might update my blog two weeks from now.

which would obviously be our semestral break already.

and of course now, i could squeeze in some stories.

and rants. :)

i had my final interview awhile ago, and i kinda sucked at it.

i have to pass the org profile first thing tomorrow morning.

i have to submit my socio 101 second exam tomorrow, which i barely started yet.

gotta go to masscom at 1pm to get my new dzup shirt.

we have a coverage for the moa signing between up cmc and abs-cbn on saturday.

i have loads of stuffs to finish by the weekend.

and oh, exams are scheduled already next week.

i do hope i can get a life after this.

i just wanna fly away. haha!

ciao for now, time to hit the sack. :)

SELF REFLECTION : NEUROTIC NGA KASI AKO!

Malaking tulong ang nagagawa ng Personality class ko, para mas maintindihan ko ang sarili ko. Ung lecture ng Neurosis ay sobrang tumama sa akin, na-trace ko kung saan nanggaling ung pagka-neurotic ko ngayon.

Nung bata pa ako, madalas akong makumpara sa kapatid ko. Mas mabait kasi siya, mas masunurin, mas magalang, basta, lahat ng mas. Parati kong nararamdaman na iba ako sa kanya, kasi nga lahat, MAS siya eh. Mas pinapaboran siya ng mga tito at tita ko, mas isinasama siya sa lakad, mas gusto siyang kasama. Pag mga ganung times, wala na akong magawa kung di umiyak na lang. parang ang panget na bata pa lang ako, ang helpless na. I’d throw tantrums, hinihintay na amuin nila ako, para maging okay ako. I don’t need material things, I just need them to tell me na they love me too, na hindi ako iba.

Kaya siguro hanggang ngayon na tumanda na ako, ganun pa din ung pakiramdam. Gumagawa ako ng paraan para mapansin nila ako, kahit dun sa point na gagawa ako ng kasalanan para pansinin lang. May times naman, na I’d strive hard, para maging proud sila na anak nila ako. Affectionate ako, at nakakadisappoint kapag hindi ibinabalik sa iyo ung pagka-affectionate mo. Na there were times na you just wanna hug them, para maging okay ka, pero hindi nila naibibigay un. Kaya at a very young age, I tried na mahanap ung affection na iyon sa relationships, galing sa opposite sex.

But well, halos lahat naman hindi nagend up ng maayos eh. Naiwan lang ako at iniisip ng halos lahat ng super paranoid ako. Eh lumaki ako ng ganun eh. Lumaki ako na natatakot na baka iwanan ako ng mga taong mahal ko. Kaya as much as possible, ginagawa ko lahat to make them stay. Neurotic ako, nag-iisip ng kung ano- ano. Minsan, over pa ung naiisip ko. Wala daw sa lugar. Pero takot ang lahat ng may kagagawan nun. Takot na maiwan, takot na masaktan. Good thing nga siguro na clingy ako, na sensitive ako. Pero para sa akin lang iyon, kasi madali kong nararamdaman pag nagdedetach na ung tao. At umaandar na ang pagiging adik, baliw, neaurotic at paranoid ko.

Isa akong random na tao. Isa akong malaking whatever. At times, I feel, hindi ko kailangan ipaliwanag ang sarili ko. Kung bakit ako emotional, kung bakit ako paranoid. Pero, hindi ito isa sa mga pagkakataon na iyon. Sana sa pagpapaliwanag, may magbasa. May makaunawa. Mahirap kasi mag-explain sa taong hindi naman handang umunawa. Iba ako. At paninindigan ko kung sino at ano ako.