CONFESSION: I’m still in love with Barney.

I was really delighted when one of my closest friends gave me a Barney stuffed toy on my 18th birthday. That was my favorite, among all the jewelries, the bags, the shirts and everything; among all the gifts, it was just that Barney is a really big part of me. When I turned 7, an unknown visitor also gave me a Barney story book, and I fell in love with Barney ever since. Well, that was one thing in common with the two most beautiful days in my life: Barney.

The story was about Lotty, who was so afraid of moving in to another town, of going into a new school, of moving out, period. She was afraid of leaving the life that she’s been used to, of leaving the people she grew up with, of leaving behind the life she loved. And then one night, when Lotty cried herself to sleep, Barney came to life. He showed Lotty the new place that she’ll be living in, the new school, the new people she’ll meet, the new life she’ll live. He showed her the rainbow, and how happy life can be if she’ll just learn to accept the changes and just be contented with it. He showed her that you really don’t have to be afraid about life and the changes that come with it, because it’s quite normal, and change is the only constant thing in this world. And then when everything else fails, she still has Barney with her, Barney as her best friend. Just as she was about to hug him, her mother woke her up, and told her to go to her room and sleep because the next day would be a great day.

What’s so important with this story? CHANGES. I learned to be a bit stronger, and to hold on to life. Changes are constant; I just have to deal with it. And with whatever change that I have to deal with, I just remember I still have Barney, and he’ll never change, he’ll never leave. I want to be like Lotty at one point in time. Well at least at that certain point where, she got to experience how it is being a child.

Well, why do I hold on to childhood so much? Maybe because I never really experienced it, maybe because I never really felt it. I grew up living to the expectations of the people around me, living to prove to them how good I am, living to be the best that I can be so that I’ll never an option anymore. I was never really seen as the good child, I was the rebellious one, I’ll answer back if I need to, and I’ll disagree if I have to. I’m not that someone who’ll just accept everything, I always ask why or how come, and they hated me for it. I can never be as good as my younger sister, who’s everything that’s not me. This bitterness that I’m feeling inside was out of the bad memories that I had with my own extended family. During Christmas time, there was never an instance where I had more gifts than her. There was this one time where I only got one gift, she has five. My parents explained to me that it was just because I’m older, and I’m growing up, so I don’t need additional toys or dresses or bags. Later on, I realized that it was not really that way; I was just not the favorite one, I was just not the favorite niece. Then everything just came back to me, reminisced the memories, revisiting my past. And then there I was, crying myself to sleep because my aunt favored my younger sister over me. There I was, just staring at them when they were laughing and playing and telling stories. There I was, just looking at all the gifts that she got when I only have one. There I was, consoling myself when my auntie brought her to the school she graduated from and I was left alone with the yaya. Well, there was a never a time they were proud of me. I come home from school, bringing with me a white merit card, with a smile on my face, but for them it was just nothing. They never really appreciated it, they were never really proud of me. And what the hell are my parents doing when I was feeling down? Nothing, they never knew, because they would never understand. They’d just think na I’m just being inggit with whatever my sister has. So I strived harder to get everybody’s attention, at least to get my parents’ attention. I was never out of the honor list; it was consistent since kinder two up to high school. I was a Manila Science High School passer, and I even passed UPD out of luck. I knew my parents were proud of me, they even boasted it around with their high school and college friends. And as for some of my uncles and aunties? They will never be proud of me, I guess. After seeing me as a nobody, they now look at me as if I’m somebody who’s way too high for them to even talk to. It was hard, trying to get people from your family to like you, trying to get them to understand you. Fucking hard, I finally gave up.
I’m all grown-up now, and I have to deal with a lot of problems that would come my way in a year or two. I’ve stopped trying to get everybody’s attention, and just strived to make myself proud of me. That was a big change, a big leap of change. It was like moving out, moving away from the life that you are used to live, moving away from people that you’ve grown up with. And it was not difficult for me, because I needed and I wanted to see myself in a different light. I wanted to be seen as me, the imperfect me and not as somebody who’s just living up to their expectations, somebody who’s trying to be perfect for them. I don’t want to remain as an option; I want to be the choice. I need to get going and leave the bitterness behind.

And as for Barney? He will always be my stuffed toy to cry on, and I’ll always love him. I'll just wait for the day when he comes to life to give me my much needed hug.